Not because I had to chase him down. He was on his back flailing next to my college diploma when I discovered him. Maybe he was sent by my parents to reprimand me for keeping my $280,000 piece of paper on the floor. (It is framed at least, I’m hardly that uncouth.)

Anyway.

It took me 30 minutes to kill and dispose of a roach. I pulled the trigger (read: pressed down on the Raid nozzle) fairly quickly, but then disposing of the body is what tripped me up. Believe it or not, that’s progress for me.

My first encounter with a trespasser was in 2022. I had just returned to my college apartment after Spring Break with dreams of showering and putting on my pajamas. I rounded the corner to my bedroom and came feet to face with a dead rat.

I handled it as any reasonable person would. I FaceTimed my roommate who wasn’t home. I FaceTimed my, at the time, long-distance boyfriend who lived out of state. I then called my parents, interrupting a wedding they were attending, also out of state. I did cry on the phone with all 3 parties. I was 22 years old.

So only 30 minutes, no tears and no phone calls is actually me making huge strides.

Back to disposing of the body. I have designated tongs for this. Long ones. This is hardly my first rodeo. I had to put a paper towel over the carcass to further emotionally distance myself. It even did me the favor of dying right next to a trashcan. And still, 30 minutes. Did I mention I am (supposedly) an adult who votes and pays taxes?

And after mustering all of the courage I could muster, in one swift movement I grabbed, transported and disposed of the body in a not-so-proper burial.

Empowered, I turned to address my empty room.

“FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT” I yelled into the abyss. I’m sure whatever other roaches and horrors lurk in my walls remained deeply unbothered by my threat.

I’m listening to a playlist from 2014 as I write this. Maybe because it would take me another 11 years to work up the courage to kill anything bigger than a roach. As I near the end of writing my tale, “L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N” by Noah And The Whale is playing. If this were a short film, that would most certainly score the closing credits.

I don’t know what someone else is thinking unless they tell me.

Gwen Stefani and Gwyneth Paltrow are not the same person.

Nobody is thinking about me as much as I’m thinking about me.

Bob Marley and Bob Dylan are not the same person.

People show their love/appreciation in different ways than I do.

Chelsea Handler and Chelsea Cutler are not the same person.

Often, annoying people are insecure people and it’s good to be nice to them when possible.

No one has all the answers. If they think they do, they likely have even fewer answers than other people do.

Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio are not the same person. Matt was in Good Will Hunting. One of them for sure was in Killers of the Flower Moon.

None of us fully understand each other and that has to be okay.

Prince and Freddie Mercury are not the same person.

It’s natural for relationships to change.

About Myself

People much dumber than I have been able to maneuver through life so I will be fine.

People with far more difficult and/or tragic lives have been able to maneuver through life so I will be fine.

If I don’t shoot to be early, I’ll be 5-10 minutes late.

People taller than me can see the top of my head and down my shirt.

Relax.

I cannot predict the future.

Put on SO MUCH moisturizer before putting on makeup.

I don’t always need to share my opinion.

I don’t have to agree with people I like.

My right hand is the one I write with.

If I feel shitty, I may not be spending enough time with other people.

Every emotion/experience I have, someone else has already lived through.

In certain situations, I look too approachable. In other situations, I don’t look approachable enough.

It is worth it to spend money on clothes I feel good in.

I have to actively create the life I want.

About Life

It is unrealistic to expect to only have to go to one grocery store, once a week.

Even when you have an umbrella, you will still get wet.

Creative inspiration is like a bowel movement. You can’t force it. But when it hits you, you have to drop everything for it.

The truth is often somewhere in the middle.

Decisions around money, religion, relationships and career are deeply personal.

If something is “basic,” that’s often because it’s good.

The internet isn’t real life.

Nothing is perfect, not even milestone moments. Which is actually kinda freeing.

Effective communication prevents and solves so many problems.

Natural is timeless. Timeless is elegant.

For better or worse, anything is possible.

She lamented that without me, she may have ended up bringing a bunch of statement pieces she won’t be able to construct outfits with. But while she modeled a gorgeous green purse she got in Italy and the chicest red leather jacket, it occurred to me that her statement pieces and my minimalist ones combined would be an elite wardrobe. And what is that if not the ultimate metaphor of how I interact with my friends.

Anyone who’s close to me knows that I’m not the friend you’re gonna drink until 4 AM with. Not only do I not drink liquor anymore, I am famous for having an early bedtime. Both nights that I was out this weekend, I started to head home around midnight. Nowadays, if I’m staying up until the morning hours, it is likely because I’m sitting on someone’s couch, engrossed in a conversation.

I get self-conscious about that sometimes. I worry I’m boring. I worry people think I’m lame because I can’t handle the amount of substances they can. I worry that people invite me to stuff…just to be nice I guess?

But packing with Gabby reminds me how much us Type As and Type Bs mutually need each other. Because while I reminded her to call her bank and tell them she’ll be using her credit card in a different country, she encouraged me to pack a mini skirt. Both equally necessary measures in preparation for Amsterdam nightlife.

And while I do rely on my more free-spirited friends for things like befriending strangers or bringing me to a rooftop concert, I think I provide value in a different form. I have our mutual friends’ birthdays written in my Google Cal. I can remind you that that guy we talked to last night is so-and-so’s boyfriend and we actually played beer pong with them over the summer. I know you have that presentation tomorrow so do you wanna hop in my Uber home since it’s getting late?

While a spontaneous adventure is undeniably glamorous, I think it’s because of us Type A people that we all have our tickets ahead of time or yes, there’s a portable charger you can use, I brought one just incase.

All that to say, this is a reminder that when any of us are ever feeling embarrassed about being too A or B, there is immense value in both and we need each other. The best experiences come from our collaboration.

So As, I’ll see you around a Google Doc and Bs, I’ll see you on a dance floor that my friends brought me to.

Zani taught me the importance of popping/draining pimples. She also taught me almost everything I know about makeup. To this day, she has the most fabulous skin.

Charis taught me to make my bed every morning. Recently, she told me she doesn’t even do this anymore. Oh well, her apartment is still cooler than everyone else’s.

Liat’s one-bedroom apartment taught me the importance of having a place to sit next to a window. There are few things more pleasurable than watching the world go by from a comfy seat.

Zani has taught me so much about STDs/STIs. I feel like it’s important to say that she knows all of this because of her career, not from personal experience.

Charis taught me the importance of making and honoring plans with yourself.

MEDIA/CREATIVITY

Emily (re)taught me how comforting books can be. If you need a recommendation to get you through a breakup, Emily quite literally has a stack.

Lila and Leah taught me the importance of personal, creative projects.

Giblet taught me about scrapbook journaling.

Leah reinvigorated my love of reading by teaching me about the benefits of a Kindle, her bookclub and most importantly, how to read. (Guys! I’m kidding about the last one, don’t worry!)

FOOD

Giblet taught me that you can put milk in your hot tea. But Bridgit taught me you can drink hot tea any time of the day, regardless of the temperature outside.

Jacquie taught me about a Morning Chip. You can simply eat chips in the morning. For breakfast!

Charis taught me a far more effective way to boil noodles. I admit it. You were right about this one, Charis.

ADULT SKILLS

Payton taught me that you’re supposed to clean your shower with cleaning supplies (simply cleaning yourself in the shower isn’t enough). Once when we still worked together, she was talking about how her bathroom was the “guest bathroom.”

“That’s why I clean my bathroom so often, and my shower about every two weeks,” she said.

Oh yeah…I guess that’s something you’re supposed to do…

Lila taught me about packing light. She came to visit Philly when I was a junior in college. We couldn’t stop marveling at how she fit everything she needed for a weekend into her one hiking backpack. That same visit, she also became the catalyst for Zani’s interest in cottage cheese.

Emily taught me that you can multitask anything you want to. Efficiency is her middle name.

Jvian taught me what a uterus actually looks like. I had never even considered its side profile!

PHILOSOPHIES TO LIVE BY

Charis taught me to only buy things that are a Yes With a Capital Y. If it’s only a Yes With a Lowercase Y, it’s probably not worth it.

Olivia taught me that when someone has blonde hair as a kid, it may take them a long time to come to terms with their hair getting darker. And that’s okay and we need to give them the time and space to do that.

It is primarily because of Bridgit that I’ve had opportunities to spend time in nature these past few years and learn that Pennsylvania is actually really beautiful.

Olivia taught me that when someone dislikes their middle name, do NOT reveal that to their mom. (For the record, Olivia likes it now).

Genuinely, where would I be without any of them?

I’m confident we all have a mental image of someone who epitomizes a Basic Bitch but I would like to propose the idea that there are actually two Basic Bitch archetypes. 

OG Bitch

This is the woman whose closet consists of Lululemon and Aritzia. She transitioned from a girl to a woman not in a ceremony chanting Torah for the first time, but rather by replacing her Hydroflask with a Stanley Cup. When asked about her interests she’ll mention Love Island, working out and her little dog Lola Coco Bella. Her obsession with avocado toast and tacos morphed into a taste for acai bowls and sushi. Her Bachelor’s degree is in nursing, education or communications and she did in fact go to the Eras Tour this past summer. If you look out your window right now, you may even see her Jeep Wrangler parked outside.

Wannabe Alt Bitch (WAB)

This woman is…me. As soon as we discovered Arctic Monkeys and Tame Impala in middle school, we vowed never to be like the OG Bitches. We cultivated our teenage identities through thrift stores, That 70s Show, Doc Martens and psychedelic tapestries. We carry around our reusable water bottles in our tote bags on our way to our yoga classes. Many of us have piercings and tattoos and try desperately to maintain all of the houseplants we’ve collected. We’re bilingual with astrology being our second language and if you look out your window in the other direction, you’ll see us pretending to read Joan Didion in the park.

Whether you’re an OG Bitch, a WAB, or a combination, it’s all pretty innocuous stuff. Yet, Basic Bitches continue to get shit from many different kinds of people, including other women. We all are living in a reality where calling someone basic is an insult but if you really stop and think about it, why is being basic such a bad thing?

Of course part of it could be sexism in the form of trivializing traditionally feminine interests but  I think there’s more to it than that. I don’t think it's a coincidence that the Basic Bitch phenomenon and social media both came to fruition as the Millennials were growing up. And of course Millennials, Gen Z and everyone younger than us cares about the expression of individualism more than the generations before us (who didn’t have social media). So if A=B and B=C, that means the invention of social media gave birth to a need to express individualism.

Because we all have access to each other through social media, this obviously creates more opportunities to compare ourselves to each other. And because of all of these opportunities, we’re faced with the harsh realization that we’re actually all pretty similar. And if I’m just like everyone else, that means I’m not special. And if I’m not special, where do I derive my value from? Is anyone going to remember or care about me? Will I leave some sort of legacy or does my life not mean much to people of the present and future? I think in a way, people’s vilification of Basic Bitches is the manifestation of fear about how little most of us impact the world around us.

So that’s the glass-half-empty way of looking at it. But there’s actually a beauty in Basic Bitchery.

As I previously confessed, I too am a Basic Bitch. Another thing about me: I’ve always been good at making female friends. Sure part of that is due to my dazzling personality and sometimes simply declaring to people “okay, we’re friends now,” but part of it is due to my WAB interests. Because I like things that so many other girls like, I am able to connect with them upon meeting and then have something to build a foundation of friendship upon. This ability to bond with new people is helpful to literally everyone in any stage of life. And given how the world has grown to feel increasingly combative, I think that’s really nice and important and special to be able to bond with new people.

Also, let’s not forget that often the reason things are popular is because they’re GOOD. Having my Hydroflask was a game changer as a camp counselor running around all day in the Texas heat. I always feel physically strong and in tune with my body after a yoga class. Tacos and sushi and avocado toast are delicious, incorporate a variety of food groups AND are conducive to many different dietary restrictions. (I still can’t get behind acai bowls though, it’s just a sad, cold soup.) If we let popular opinion dictate what restaurants to add to our Yelp list or what Amazon product is worth ordering, why is it so bad if it dictates what workout classes we go to or what vehicle to drink our beverages out of?

Obviously I’m just like everyone else so that means I want to be memorable and special too. However, I don’t think there’s actually anything wrong with being a Basic Bitch. And whether you’re an OG, a WAB, or a combo, anyone who gives you shit for it is likely reckoning with their own fleeting existence. And while they do that, we’ll go enjoy the good things in life.

Let me be clear, I am not faulting the Kardashians for becoming involved with these men initially. Who among us hasn’t been romantically involved with someone that in hindsight, we wouldn’t choose again. That’s just a part of the human experience! When they’re stupidly hot, you’re deeply in love, or in certain people’s cases, means to a major PR move, it’s basically impossible to see beyond the rose-colored glasses. 

But when the person you’re involved with fucks up so egregiously AND repeatedly, why would you continue to align yourself with them? Even if the relationship was somewhat a business/branding move – no actually, especially then – why would you not immediately drop kick them into a different timezone?!

Scott Disick was the first example of this baffling narrative. Throughout much of Keeping Up, we see a lot of degenerate behavior from Scott. The behavior I am referring to as “degenerate” spans over the course of many seasons of Keeping Up and includes multi-day benders as a father with young kids and blatantly disrespecting Kourtney in a myriad of ways (insults, boundary crossing and more than occasionally insisting she owes him sex). And don’t forget that scene where a belligerently drunk Scott is mind-bogglingly rude to waitstaff in the form of shoving a dollar bill into a waiter’s mouth. 

And yet, in the later seasons of Keeping Up and maybe even the first season of The Kardashians, the Kardashians continue to encourage Kourtney to take Scott back. Not only that, but Scott gets the ultimate “good guy” edit. In Keeping Up we see a significant amount of footage of Scott spending time with Kris, MJ (Kris’ mom) and his kids. The Kardashians who aren’t Kourtney praise him for being such a “family man” when the reality is that Scott is finally just being a present father (the bare minimum).

It feels like the Kardashians want their viewers, and Kourtney, to forget Scott’s past. When Kourtney reminds her family of Scott’s old behavior, they dismiss her. Taking into account that what the Kardashians choose to show us is only the half of it, why do they choose to align themselves with someone who for years, seemed like a detriment to the Kardashians’ greater brand.

Just as the Scott narrative seems to be winding in those later seasons of Keeping Up – enter Tristan Thompson.

Tristan got off to a great start with Khloe and the rest of the family but oh man did that not last. As depicted in Keeping Up, the news of Tristan cheating on Khloe was leaked a day before Khloe gave birth to True. Tristan has cheated on Khloe at least three times between 2016 and now and that’s only what got leaked to the public. To add insult to injury, remember that one of those times, Tristan chose to cheat with Jordyn Woods, a close friend to the Kardashians.

Despite that, this season of The Kardashians is giving Tristan the “good guy” edit. Almost mirroring what happened with Scott, we see the Kardashians engage Khloe in a lot of discourse about getting back together with Tristan. Khloe then has the pleasure of reminding her family about Tristan’s repeated public humiliation of her but that doesn’t stop the show from casting a generally positive light on Tristan.

Like Scott, Tristan receives a lot of praise for how good of a father he is. Also like Scott, Tristan seems to feel somewhat entitled to being with Khloe. In this most recent season of The Kardashians, Tristan makes a comment to Khloe along the lines of ‘it’s not fair that you’re my person and we can’t be together.’

…Because you cheated, guy.

Throughout Tristan and Scott’s attempts at redemption arcs, there’s a lot of taking accountability in passing. A quick acknowledgement of what they did wrong but they’re ready to move past it so we all should be too. And the rest of the Kardashians fuel this bypassing accountability! Which brings us back to the initial question: why?

MJ Corey theorizes that this leaves room in the Kardashians’ narrative for Tristan and Khloe to get back together down the road. Blind items theorize that the Kardashians don’t want any of their kids to be half siblings; so if any of them ever want another kid, they have to keep the OG father in the mix. I theorize that maybe the Kardashians have blurred the lines so much between their authentic identities and being commodities that they forget to factor their self worth into decisions.

Or maybe it’s because it’s less socially acceptable for women to express outrage. Or it could be that the Kardashian women have such an extensive history of tumultuous relationships with men that they don’t even know what a healthy one would look like. Perhaps it’s the importance of the roles these men play as supporting characters on the TV shows. Or what if it’s a strategic move to make them look weak in some ways because society says women can’t be too successful and in order for the Kardashians to remain palatable to the public, they can’t seem powerful 100% of the time.

Whatever the reason, it’s a narrative that remains perplexing and antiquated to me. But Kris Jenner is undoubtedly a branding genius who is 10 steps ahead of everyone else. It’s entirely possible she knows something the rest of us just haven’t figured out yet.